Garrie Coleman spent 24 years in the British Army. He served in Northern Ireland, Kosovo, Iraq, and Cyprus. He built close friendships with the guys he served alongside.
Then he left the military at 40. And those friendships scattered.
His army friends are connected on social media. But that’s not the same. Coleman missed the real thing.
His story is one I keep seeing over and over. The male friendship crisis shows up in the data. And it shows up in stories like Garrie’s.
The Numbers Are Getting Worse
A recent US survey found that only 27% of men have six or more close friends. In 1990 that number was 55%. And the number of men with zero close friends went from 3% to 15%.
In the UK it’s similar. Research from the Movember Foundation found 27% of men said they had no close friends at all. Among men 55 and over, 22% said they never see their friends.
Dr. Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist at Oxford, puts it bluntly. Men’s friendships are different from women’s. “Men’s friendships are more clubby,” he says. It matters more what you are than who you are.
In other words: Do you belong to my club? If yes, you’re in. Someone else who likes golf or football or board games can be swapped in if you don’t show up.
And here’s the tough part. Because men are “inherently socially lazy,” as Dunbar says, when they start to lose friendships, they find it harder to rebuild them.
Why Men Lose Friends
There are a few specific moments when men’s friendships tend to fall apart:
Career transitions. Like Coleman’s exit from the military. Or getting laid off. Or switching jobs. Your work friends are often your only friends. Lose the work, lose the friends.
Marriage. Men tend to funnel all their emotional needs through their partner. Their wife becomes their only confidant. That puts a lot of pressure on one relationship. And it’s not a substitute for real friendships.
Divorce. This is the big one. You immediately lose at least half your social circle. The couples you used to hang out with? They usually side with one person or just fade away. Men after divorce are some of the loneliest people I meet.
Moving. Every relocation resets your social network. And men are less likely than women to put in the effort to rebuild it in a new place.
Retirement. For guys whose entire identity was their job, retirement can be devastating. No office. No coworkers. No reason to see anyone five days a week.
It Gets Harder After 40
In your 20s, making friends is easy. The social world is built for you. In your 30s and 40s, you might meet other parents at the school gate. But after that? It gets rough.
Especially after a divorce. You immediately lose at least half your friends.
Dunbar says that if you’re not an extrovert, there’s a resistance to putting yourself in awkward social situations. So networks contract.
This matters because the single biggest predictor of your health and how long you’ll live is the number of close friendships you have. The U.S. Surgeon General said social disconnection carries health risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The friendship recession is a health crisis.
The Guys Who Figured It Out
But some men are bucking the trend. And their stories are worth hearing.
Sean and Luis met at the school gate in Edinburgh when they were both in their mid-40s. During the pandemic they started exercising together, throwing medicine balls at each other in the park. They bonded over being raised Catholic, doing PhDs in middle age, and being immigrants in the same city.
“My friend is very important to me now,” Sean says. “It’s been a joy to get to know him.”
Steve in Herefordshire rediscovered Dungeons & Dragons. He found a community of guys who were obsessed with it as teenagers, went into a “deep freeze” during career and family years, and picked it back up in middle age.
And Coleman? He got back into the mod scene, bought a scooter, and joined a scooter club at a seaside resort. He made close friends: Darren, Mark, Marc with a C, and Ralph.
“We always have a little nod to each other,” Coleman says. “Like, ‘That guy’s putting on a happy face but there’s stuff going on.’ Ten, 15 years ago, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind. But now you’re sort of, ‘He’s having a bit of a hard time so let’s just look after him.'”
That’s what real friendship looks like. Noticing when someone’s not okay. And showing up anyway.
What You Can Do
The pattern from every one of these stories is the same:
- Find an activity. Scooter club, D&D, soccer, music. The activity gives you a reason to show up. The friendships grow from there.
- Keep showing up. Coleman didn’t make friends on day one. He went back week after week. Friendship is like exercise. Consistency matters more than intensity.
- Be open to guys who are different from you. Sean is from New Zealand. Luis is from Cape Verde. They bonded over what they had in common, not what they didn’t.
- Check in on your friends. Coleman’s point about noticing when a guy is struggling? That’s real friendship. The statistics on men’s loneliness are serious. A small check-in can make a big difference.
- Don’t wait for it to happen. Be the one who sends the text. Be the one who organizes the dinner. Men build friendships side-by-side, so find something to do together and start doing it.
It’s Not Too Late
Dunbar says it gets harder. And he’s right. But harder doesn’t mean impossible.
Every one of these guys found a club. And by “club” I mean any group of people who share an interest. That’s where it starts.
Find your club.
And if you want to understand how we got here, read about how men used to write love letters to their friends. We lost something along the way. But we can get it back.
(Related: Side-by-Side: How Men Actually Build Real Friendships and One Trip Changed How I Think About Male Friendship)
Source: Sam Wollaston, The Guardian (May 2023)