My friend Dave and I don’t talk about our feelings. We play pickleball. We grab tacos after. We complain about our knees.
And somehow, over the last two years, he’s become one of my closest friends.
I used to think that real friendship meant deep conversations. Sharing your innermost thoughts. Sitting across from someone and being open about your life.
Maybe that’s true for some people. But for a lot of guys, that’s not how it works. And a great article from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good magazine explains why.
Side-by-Side Is How Men Connect
Fred Rabinowitz, a psychologist at the University of Redlands, calls it “side-by-side play.” Men don’t face each other to connect. They stand next to each other and do something.
Golf. Hiking. Working on a car. Playing a video game. Going on a trip together.
The activity isn’t the point. The activity is the excuse. Rabinowitz says that if you’re playing golf with someone, you can focus on golf. But then if someone mentions a tough morning or a wife going through cancer treatment, it opens a door.
The door opens on the side. Not the front.
Start Small, Then Go Deeper
Rabinowitz has a strategy for this. He calls it low-risk self-disclosure. You don’t start by sharing your deepest fear. You start by telling a joke. Talking about something happening at work. Mentioning that your kid is driving you crazy.
Those small shares test the waters. If the other guy responds in kind, you go a little deeper next time. Over months, you build up to the bigger stuff. Marriages. Health. Money. The things that actually keep you up at night.
That’s exactly what happened with Dave. We started with pickleball scores. Then work complaints. Then real stuff about our families. It took a year. But it happened.
Bromance Is Real (and It’s Good for You)
Researchers have actually studied this. Men in close male friendships report that those bonds can be more fulfilling than romantic relationships in certain ways. That’s because men feel more understood by other men when it comes to shared pressures and experiences.
The key is that close male friendship gives you someone who gets it. Someone who’s dealing with the same stuff. Men lose their friends because they don’t prioritize these relationships. But when they do, the payoff is huge.
What You Can Do
Daniel Ellenberg, a relationship expert, puts it simply: if you want more openness in a friendship, be more open yourself. Don’t wait.
Here’s how to put that into practice:
- Pick a side-by-side activity. Anything you enjoy doing. Then invite someone to do it with you. The activity handles the awkward silences.
- Start with low-risk sharing. You don’t need to bare your soul on day one. A small complaint about your week is enough. See if they match your energy.
- Show up consistently. Weekly is better than monthly. The hours add up. And friendships are built on accumulated time.
- Express appreciation. Tell your friend you’re glad they showed up. It sounds simple but most guys never hear it from another guy.
- Consider a structured group. Men’s groups, therapy groups, or organizations like the Mankind Project give you a built-in framework for connection.
You Don’t Need to Change Who You Are
Some guys aren’t going to have long emotional conversations. That’s fine. That’s not the only way to have a real friendship.
Stand next to someone. Do something together. Let the conversation happen on its own schedule.
That’s enough. And it might be exactly what you need.
Source: Jill Suttie, Psy.D., Greater Good Magazine, UC Berkeley (March 2023)