I’ve hosted hundreds of parties over the past decade. And one pattern shows up every single time: men arrive alone, leave alone, and rarely exchange numbers.
Women walk in with friends. They make plans for coffee during the event. Men? They talk about work, sports, weather. Then they vanish.
This isn’t just my observation. There’s real data behind the friendship recession. And it hits men harder than anyone wants to admit.
The Statistics Are Brutal
Chris Lyford’s recent piece in Psychotherapy Networker lays out numbers that shocked me:
- Between 1990 and 2021, the percentage of men with at least six close friends fell by half
- One in five single men now have zero close friendships (that’s a 5x increase since 1990)
- Only 20% of men received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared with 40% of women
- Nearly half of men report feeling unsatisfied with their friendships
- Loneliness can shorten life expectancy by up to 30%
- Men comprise nearly 80% of suicides
- The male suicide rate is nearly four times higher than for women
- 98% of mass shooters over the last 50 years were male, with social isolation identified as the most important external indicator
Read those numbers again.
This isn’t about being a little lonely. This is a public health crisis.
What Happened to Male Friendships?
Lyford’s article traces something I’d never learned in history class. Male friendships used to look totally different.
Before the 20th century, men shared beds. They wrote deeply emotional letters to each other. They weren’t afraid to say “I love you” to their male friends.
Then industrialization happened. Homophobia campaigns ramped up. And suddenly, male intimacy became suspicious.
Boys got conditioned out of close friendships through what experts call a “hierarchical, dominance-based system.”
Psychologist Niobe Way spent four decades studying adolescent male friendships at NYU. Her research shows that young boys start out craving deep connection with other boys. But by the time they’re teenagers? That desire gets buried.
Mark Greene, author of Remaking Manhood, puts it this way: “All men carry deep-seated memories of friendship with other boys.”
That memory is still there. It just gets trained out of us.
The Real Cost
Lyford’s piece includes interviews with psychotherapist Robert Garfield, who wrote Breaking the Male Code. Garfield has been treating men for decades.
One statistic jumps out: nearly two-thirds of heterosexual divorces are initiated by women.
Why? Often because men expect their wives to be their only emotional support. That’s not sustainable. It’s not fair to partners. And it leaves men completely isolated when relationships end.
The article also references that viral SNL “Man Park” skit from 2021 (over 5 million views). It’s funny because it’s true. We need designated spaces just to remind men how to be friends.
That shouldn’t be a joke. But it is our reality.
What You Can Do
Lyford’s article isn’t all doom and gloom. He includes practical advice from experts and from men who’ve rebuilt their friendships:
Be intentional. Friendships don’t just happen anymore. You have to make them a priority.
Tell friends what you think and feel. Not just facts about your day. Actual emotions.
Schedule regular meetups. Backpacking trips, monthly dinners, whatever works. Put it on the calendar.
Engage in both activities AND conversations. Don’t just watch the game. Talk during halftime. Ask real questions.
Practice vulnerability. Start small. Share something you’re worried about. See what happens.
Follow up after difficult conversations. If a friend opens up, check in the next day. That follow-up matters more than the original conversation.
I’d add one more thing from my own experience: host something. Invite people over. Make it easy for them to say yes. I wrote a whole book about this called The 2-Hour Cocktail Party because I believe creating these opportunities is the first step.
This Matters
The friendship crisis affects everyone. But men are drowning in it.
We can’t fix this alone. That’s the whole problem.
If you’re a man reading this, reach out to someone today. Text a friend you haven’t talked to in months. Ask how they’re really doing.
If you know a man who seems isolated, invite him to something. Don’t wait for him to ask.
The data is clear. The stakes are life and death. But the solution is simple.
We just have to do it.
Source: “In Search of The Great Male Friend” by Chris Lyford, Psychotherapy Networker (March 2024)