I think about this video a lot. Richard Reeves is one of the smartest people talking about the friendship recession. He’s a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution and he breaks it down so clearly here.
Original article here, written by Richard Reeves for Big Think in April 2023.
Richard Reeves, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, discusses the importance of friendships and the potential “friendship recession.” He notes that loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes per day, but measuring and quantifying friendships is difficult. According to Reeves, an ideal number of close friends is around three or four.
But alarmingly, 15% of young men today report having no close friends, compared to 3% in the 1990s. The COVID pandemic has further tested friendship networks, with women being the most affected due to their friendships’ reliance on physical contact. Other factors likely have contributed to the decline in friendships in the 21st-century U.S., including geographical mobility, parenting demands, workism, and relationship breakdowns.
Reeves emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and nurturing friendships as they don’t form spontaneously. Admitting the desire for friends requires vulnerability and openness, which may be difficult for some individuals.
What Stands Out to Me
The part that sticks with me most is this: friendships don’t just happen on their own. You have to actually put in the work. And for a lot of people (especially men) that means admitting you want more friends. Which is hard! But it’s so worth it.
Reeves talks about “workism.” The idea that we’ve replaced community with career. Your job becomes your identity. Your coworkers become your only social circle. And when you lose the job (or start working remotely), you lose everything.
I see this constantly. People come to my events and they can’t even answer the question “what do you do for fun?” Because work IS what they do. That’s it. No hobbies. No regular hangouts. Just work and Netflix.
Geographic Mobility and the Pandemic
Reeves also points to something that doesn’t get enough attention: we move too much. Americans relocate an average of 11 times in a lifetime. Every move resets your friend group. You lose your gym buddies. Your neighbors. The couple you used to have dinner with.
And then COVID hit. The pandemic didn’t start the friendship recession. But it threw gasoline on it. Routines broke. Social skills got rusty. People built new habits (working from home, ordering delivery, staying in) and those habits stuck even after lockdowns ended.
Reeves mentions that women’s friendships were especially disrupted by the pandemic because they rely more on physical contact. Hugs. Face-to-face coffee dates. That all stopped in 2020. And for many women, it hasn’t fully come back.
The Men’s Friendship Gap
Reeves zeros in on men. And the numbers are bad. 15% of young men with zero close friends. That’s a 5x increase since 1990.
I’ve written about this a lot on this site. The data behind the male friendship crisis is shocking when you actually look at it. And the New York Times dug deeper into why it’s so hard for men specifically.
Here’s what I think is happening. Men are taught to be independent. Self-sufficient. Strong. And somewhere along the way, those messages turned into “don’t need anyone.” But we do need people. The research on this is overwhelming. Loneliness shortens your life. In-person connection is essential for health.
Reeves says admitting you want more friends requires vulnerability. He’s right. For a lot of men, saying “I’m lonely” feels like admitting weakness. It’s not. It’s the most honest thing you can say. And it’s the first step toward fixing it.
Three Things You Can Do This Week
Reeves is great at diagnosing the problem. But I want to add some practical stuff here.
1. Text someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Right now. Before you close this tab. Send a quick “Hey, I was thinking about you. How are things?” That’s it. You’ll be surprised how many people respond with genuine excitement.
2. Say yes to the next invitation you get. Even if you’re tired. Even if it’s something you wouldn’t normally do. Friendship requires showing up. And every time you put down your phone and show up in person, you’re building what I call your IRL surface area. The more you show up, the more connections happen.
3. Host something small. Invite three or four people over for a drink or a meal. It doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to happen. Making friends as an adult is hard. But being the person who creates a gathering is one of the fastest ways to build connection.
Reeves says you only need three or four close friends to thrive. That’s it. You don’t need a massive social circle. You need a few people you can really count on. And getting from zero to three is totally doable if you’re willing to be a little uncomfortable.
The friendship recession is real. Reeves explains the why better than almost anyone. But the fix starts with small actions. One text. One dinner. One awkward “Hey, want to hang out?” That’s how it starts.
Original article here, written by Richard Reeves for Big Think in April 2023.