I was sorting through my saved Substack posts last month when I found Noah Smith’s piece, “How to Have Friends Past Age 30.”
Noah is an economist with one of the biggest newsletters on Substack. He doesn’t usually write about friendship. So when he put out something this personal and specific, I read it twice.
Then I read the comments. That’s where a reader named Tran Hung Dao recommended The 2-Hour Cocktail Party to the whole thread. Always fun to see my book show up in unexpected places.
Noah’s advice is solid. Some of it I agree with completely. Some of it I’d push back on slightly. Here are the nine things that stuck with me most.
Food is the best group activity
Noah recommends food as the glue for friend groups. Hot pot, in particular. He loves that everyone’s doing something together at the same table.
I mostly agree. But I’d add one nuance: food is great for ongoing friend groups, not necessarily first gatherings. A dinner party for people who’ve never met can get complicated fast. The logistics pile up. You’re cooking, you’re hosting, you can’t move around easily.
For a first event, keep it simpler. Once the group is established? Hot pot is genius. Everyone’s focused on the same thing. It keeps the group small and interactive. 3-4 people around a hot pot table is a sweet spot.
Use your group to make new friends
Noah points out that “want to hang out with me and my friends?” is a much easier ask than “want to hang out with me?” Social proof lowers the awkwardness. There’s less pressure on both sides.
I’d take it one step further. Don’t just use your group. Build the group yourself. Be the person who creates the gathering in the first place.
That’s what The 2-Hour Cocktail Party is about. When you host, you become the connector. You’re not waiting for the right conditions to appear. You make the conditions. I’ve written about how to host a gathering that actually builds real friendships if you want to start there.
Use the cold start problem as a hook
When you’re new somewhere, you don’t know anyone. That’s what Noah calls the cold start problem. His advice: lean into it.
When I moved to Austin I used this exact approach. Telling people “I just moved here and I’m trying to meet interesting people” is honest and it works. People respect directness. And everyone loves someone who chose their city on purpose.
Own it. Being new is an invitation, not a liability.
Shared entertainment (with a caveat)
Noah recommends watch parties. Get people together around a show or podcast you’re all into.
I’m not fully sold on this for most people. Sitting around a screen doesn’t always lead to real conversation. You’re watching together, not talking.
That said, I get what he’s going for. When a show or podcast captures the cultural moment, gathering to nerd out about it can be great. The shared references matter more than the actual watching. Think of it as a themed hangout where the show is the excuse to get together, not the main event.
Hobbies are one piece, not the whole puzzle
Noah is honest that hobbies can be slow and niche as a friendship strategy. I agree they’re not the whole answer.
But I wouldn’t dismiss them either. My approach: have hobbies, then invite people from different parts of your life to the same gathering. Climbing friends, work friends, old college friends. Mix them together.
More shots on goal. The hobby-sharers will find each other once the group is assembled.
One-on-one time is where it gets real
Groups are how you meet people. One-on-one is how you actually become friends.
This is one of the most underrated points in Noah’s piece. Most people drop the ball here. They go to the group thing, have a good time, and never follow up individually.
My favorite tool for this: phone calls. Not texts. A 20-minute walk-and-talk with someone you liked at a party will do more for that friendship than six months of texting back and forth.
One commenter on Noah’s post shared a useful framework: it takes roughly 30 hours together to build a casual friendship, and around 300 hours for a close one. That math is sobering. You can’t get there with group hangouts alone. You need real time, one-on-one.
Vulnerability is especially hard for men
This is where Noah gets into the male side of the friendship crisis. Men are socialized to keep things at the surface. Sports, work, jokes. Nothing too personal.
That pattern is a big part of why men are struggling more with loneliness right now. We haven’t been shown how to go deeper.
Hosting is an act of vulnerability, which is one reason I think it works so well. You’re letting people into your space. You’re saying: I care enough to do this. That changes the dynamic in a subtle but real way. If you want to dig into what’s driving the men’s friendship crisis, I’ve written about it a lot on this site.
Be deliberate. Schedule it.
Noah makes this point quickly and I will too. Friendships don’t maintain themselves. You have to put them in the calendar.
I wrote about this in “Treat Your Friendships Like Exercise.” Same idea: if you wait until you feel like it, it won’t happen. Schedule the thing. Show up.
And default to yes when someone invites you somewhere. Don’t flake. Reliability is one of the most underrated friendship habits there is.
Group travel is the advanced move
Noah’s most ambitious idea is group travel. He describes a 90-person trip to Taiwan. I love that vision.
But I’ll be honest: this is an advanced move. The logistics are real. You need trust, shared expectations, and a group that already knows each other pretty well.
Think of group travel as something you work toward. Build the group first. Do a day trip. Then a weekend away. Taiwan comes later.
Conclusion
Noah’s full post is worth reading. Go check it out. And if you want a step-by-step way to build your social life from scratch, that’s what I wrote The 2-Hour Cocktail Party for.
Here’s what I’d take away from Noah’s piece:
- Food (hot pot especially) is great glue for established groups. For first events, keep it simpler so you can actually mingle.
- “Want to hang out with me and my friends?” is always an easier ask than a cold one-on-one invite.
- Being new somewhere is an asset. Tell people. Everyone loves someone who chose their city on purpose.
- When a show captures the cultural moment, use it as a gathering excuse. But make the conversation the main event, not the screen.
- Mix your friend circles. Climbing friends, work friends, old college friends. More shots on goal.
- Groups get you in the room. Phone calls build the actual friendship.
- It takes around 30 hours together to build a casual friendship and 300 for a close one. You can’t get there with group hangs alone.
- Men especially need to get comfortable going deeper than sports and work talk. Hosting is a great first step ā it’s an act of vulnerability all by itself.
- Put friendships in the calendar. Default to yes. Don’t flake.
- America needs more low-commitment third places. Pubs, community centers, town squares. Places where you can just show up.
- Group travel is an advanced move. Build the group first, then work up to it.