In the 1800s, American men shared beds with their friends. They wrote each other deeply emotional letters. They addressed each other as “dearly beloved.”
That is wild to me.
I learned this from a University of Texas professor named Steven Mintz. I live in Austin, so the fact that someone right here in my city is writing about the history of male friendship caught my attention.
What We Lost
Mintz describes a world I can barely imagine. In the 17th and 18th centuries, American men had intensely close friendships. They weren’t shy about it. Political figures like Daniel Webster and Abraham Lincoln shared beds with close male friends when they were young.
Men’s friendships involved physical affection and emotional honesty. Hugs. Wrestling matches. Letters filled with real feelings. Completely normal for the time.
Then sometime in the 20th century, it all changed. Friendships between men became more guarded. Partly because of fears about how close male bonds might look. Partly because family life became more intense and inward-facing.
The result? Men stopped being openly affectionate with friends. The friendship recession didn’t start with smartphones. It started a hundred years ago.
The Numbers Today
Mintz points to the data we keep seeing on this site. The average American now has two close friends, down from three in 1985. Time spent socializing outside of work has declined nearly 25% since 1965.
Aristotle said it over 2,400 years ago: no one would choose to live without friends, even if they had everything else.
That was true then. It’s still true. But we’re living like it isn’t.
His Father’s Four Friends
The part of Mintz’s essay that hit me hardest was about his father. His dad maintained four close friendships from high school all the way until age 94. Four guys, friends for a lifetime.
Then they all died within a year of each other.
I think about my own dad when I read that. He was in the Air Force. Moved around a lot. I think that made it harder for him to keep friendships as he got older. His connections tended to come through work and business. Not the same kind of lifelong bonds.
That difference tells you something. Friendship doesn’t just happen. It requires staying put. Showing up. Choosing the same people over and over for decades.
What Changed
Mintz identifies a few things:
- Work took over. As careers became more demanding, friendships got squeezed out. There just wasn’t time.
- Family life turned inward. We started expecting our romantic partners to be everything. Best friend, confidant, activity partner. That’s a lot of pressure on one relationship.
- Physical affection became taboo. Men who used to hug and share beds started keeping their distance. The male friendship crisis is partly about losing permission to be close.
What You Can Do
You can’t go back to the 1800s. But you can take a page from that era.
- Be the one who reaches out. Don’t wait. Text a friend. Call an old buddy. Take the first step.
- Stay in one place long enough to build roots. Moving constantly makes deep friendship almost impossible.
- Don’t put everything on your partner. Having close friends takes pressure off your relationship and makes both better.
- Be a little more affectionate. A hug. A real compliment. Telling a friend you love them. It used to be normal. It can be again.
2,400 Years of the Same Lesson
Aristotle knew it. Abraham Lincoln lived it. And a UT professor in Austin is writing about why we forgot it.
Friends matter. More than almost anything else. And keeping them takes work that most of us stopped doing.
Time to start again.
Source: Steven Mintz, Inside Higher Ed (May 2023)